a day in the life

a VERY short story | content warning: body image, self harm urges

An empty plate, a sunny day, a long-sleeved t-shirt, a smiling face, a silent heart. A story told many times before.

***

One step forward, a thousand bullets pushing you back. They pelt at you relentlessly, and you can’t seem to locate the source; they have you surrounded. You surrender to the wounds they inflict upon you, collapsing to the floor, holding your head in your arms.

you eat too much you’ve gained a ton of weight you’re so ugly with your acne scars it’s not normal for a girl to have that much body hair no one cares about you you’re so sensitive it’s not that deep you’re a horrible friend and a worse sister you take your lifestyle for granted there are people DYING and here you are wasting away in your bed blaming it on depression why don’t you talk to anyone anymore you’re such a pathetic person who can’t even take care of herself you’re a disgusting excuse for a person

***

You wake with sun rays filtering through the blinds that shield the window from your view. A crow cries nearby in a tree, bushes and plants rustle from the wind, and an overwhelming wave of guilt crashes onto you. Your hair is greasy, your face is oily, your fingernails are overgrown, your stomach bulges in every shirt you wear, your jeans are fitting tighter than usual.

A sudden image of you stabbing your stomach with a ballpoint pen shocks you from the stillness of the morning, the urge strong in your mind, fighting against the lack of will in your heart.

i don’t want to hurt myself i don’t want to die i don’t want to cry i don’t want to have a panic attack i don’t want to hurt myself i don’t want to die i don’t want to make my parents cry i don’t want to hurt myself please god help me to not harm myself i’d rather not eat anything than inflict physical injury on myself please i don’t want to hurt myself i don’t want to die i don’t want to be the reason my own blood is pouring out of my body

i 

 don’t  

          wanna 

                       be 

                           the 

                                 reason